My hair is gone

Monday (day 14 from chemo start) my hair started to come out just like they had said. It was like clockwork. I got up to go to the gym and as I combed thru my hair with my hands, it just came out. I put a hat on and went on to the gym. Later when I took a shower it was obvious that the hair loss was starting for sure. Honestly I cried my eyes out during that shower. I’ve never felt so helpless. It’s not like it was a secret that my hair was going to come out, but thinking about it and experiencing it was totally different. Brushing and blow drying my hair that morning was terrible; it was all over the bathroom. My hair looked so bad I had to wear a hat. Tuesday was worse. It was so bad that I didn’t wash my hair. I was too scared. I could stand at the sink and literally pull out handfuls of hair. The more I touched it the more came out. My scalp has been aching and itching, but to touch it meant hair (and lots of it) was coming out. Wednesday I didn’t bother taking a shower because it was worse than Tuesday. Each day more and more hair would come out as I combed through it with my hands. I was filling up the sink with my hair and crying as I did it. So finally, after 3 days of trying to convince myself to just shave it I did. I didn’t shave it to the scalp; I just buzzed it off with the clippers.

Buzzing my hair is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I did it by myself, because I don’t want Dan to see me like this. I know he loves me unconditionally and would love my scalped head; it’s just too hard for me. I got the nerve to do it because I kept thinking “what am I holding on to?” My hair was looking worse each day and I was to the point that I wouldn’t wash it. My sister asked me to go to the school this Friday to pass out cupcakes for my niece’s birthday. I don’t want to show up looking like the homeless lady with scraggly hair! My mom and I went to the mall Wednesday afternoon and I bought a really girly top with matching earrings and necklace. I felt like having a cute outfit would motivate me to just buzz it so I could wear my ‘hats w/ hair’ and look like myself again. After dinner Dan gave me the rest of the encouragement that I needed. I locked myself in the bathroom, cut my short hair even shorter, cried the entire time and then used the clippers to buzz it off.

So after 3 days of an emotional hell, I’m feeling better today. I haven’t cried. I’ve worn my scarf around the house and went out to lunch with my mother-in-law. I’m sad that my hair is gone, but now I can look forward to it coming back. It’s weird that after shaving it off I feel better; I guess because I can’t just stand there and pull it out. On a lighter note, my tastes are all back to normal this week. I’ve had some chocolate, drank a coke and ate some sour gummies! Monday (10/4) is round 2. I’ll have to wait and see what happens with each one, but hopefully I’ll do just as good as I did on the first one.

— Holly Thompson

15 Comments

  1. You are the bravest woman I know! So proud of you! Kathy

  2. Well it’s done now. I know it had to be hard but it is done. I am confident that when this is all over and done with, your hair will come back more beautiful than ever! Let this be behind you and face forward through these treatments and let’s beat this thing! I had a friend who had chemo and she said something I had never thought about. “Loosing my hair means I’m whipping the hell out of this cancer!” We love you. ~b

  3. Hey Holly,

    Thanks for keeping us updated…I can’t imagine how difficult this must be but I’m so inspired by your courage and faith in God. Keep fighting and keep us posted.

    Amanda

  4. Holly, thanks so much for being willing to share your thoughts and your fears as you travel this road. It really helps people like me to really understand just what you are feeling, and you write it with so much feeling that I can imagine myself experiencing it, to a degree, of course nothing like what you are experiencing. Holly, you, are covered in prayer.

  5. Wow,,, reading this brought back so many memories for me. You are so strong and you are going to make it through this just fine. I am so happy that your taste buds are back!! My experience was that whatever effects you had on the first round, continue…nothing new to surprise me. Still praying and thanks for the update!

  6. Holly – I know this whole experience sucks and shaving your hair off doesn’t make it any better but as I read this I kept thinking that this just means you’re that much closer to beating this!

    You guys are in our prayers. -RS

  7. Don’t even know what to say other than how wonderfully courageous you are! Your words are beautiful and I know God is watching over you. God bless you!

  8. Another battle conquered. You are amazing. Thanks for the updates. Much love and prayers. Janet

  9. You’re an inspiration Holly. We love you and we’re praying for you. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  10. Holly, Darrell and I are praying for you and Dan. Janet and Don have kept us informed and, evenhough this is difficult, you seem to be an amazing lady with great strength. We have enjoyed reading your postings.

    Sue

  11. WOW!! I went to school with Vance from elementary school on. I saw that my sister, Amy Maxwell, had mentioned to Janet about reading your blog about having breast cancer and just had to read your story. We had a teacher at our school who went through this a couple of years ago (she too had young school aged children), and then a good friend of mine I grew up with about a year ago (single teacher in Friendsville, you may have read her story or seen in on the news – Maria Hall). Your story is truly an inspiration, love hearing your heart and what God is doing to help you through it. I am sure you know what a jewel and gift you have in your in laws and in your wonderful husband. Will be praying for you and your family, especially on Monday when you have your next chemo. God Bless you in your journey. Will add you to our prayer list @ our church here in NC.

    Ginger Douglass Hubbard

  12. Thank you Holly for sharing all these things with us. It’s so nice to know exactly how and what to pray for. I can’t imagine how hard it is to go through chemo, but you are an amazing woman to be so strong. It’s humbling to hear about your hair. Even though you don’t feel so pretty right now, know that your testimony of your strength is one of the most beautiful things I ever heard of. You are a gorgeous woman!

  13. Holly, I am an old (yes, I am considered a senior citizen)high school classmate of your husband’s parents. I’m the guy in Arizona that has been and is praying for you and God’s support during this trial. As far as getting a buzz cut, it has happened to every guy that has gone into the military. I had the same feeling but couldn’t allow myself to cry with the rest of the guys standing by for their turn. Each of us walked away with watery eyes. I am excited for you to complete this trial. I am selfishly praying for your complete recovery to show God’s healing power. I have seen my mother-in law and sister-in-law go through all this and survive. Remember, doctors are only medical tradesmen, God is the great physician.

    Your are being loved, not only by God and your family, but also your brothers and sisters in Christ.

    Woody

  14. Holly, I just want you to know that I love you and you and Dan are very special people. I keep up with your progress through Don and Janet, of course, but I personally want you to know that you are on a lot of prayer lists, including my sister’s prayer list at her church in Kansas City. They pray for you daily. God has blessed you with a wonderful support system in your family, Dan’s family and all the friends of those families. May God continue to bless you and Dan in your journey to beat this disease. Allen and I love you.
    Sheron

  15. Holly,

    I really miss sitting next to you and messing with your computer at nova :(

    I just wanted to let you know how awsome a person you are, and always have been. It sucks that I quit calling you and harrassing you as it was one of my favorite sports. Remember the phantom mouse prank when you thought your computer was possessed by demons, until jason caught me with the wireless mouse I was using… anyways, listen girl, you’re in my prayers every day, and dan too. I love you guys. Email me or call me sometime if you get bored, my # remains the same. I lost your number :( its somewhere on the bottom of the river in my old cell phone.

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