Today I feel like complaining

Today I really feel like complaining.  So this is my disclaimer… if you don’t want to hear a bunch of whining and complaining, stop reading right now.  Wait until my next post and then start reading again.

This morning in the shower I totally cried my eyes out.  This was the last time I washed my long hair.  Tomorrow I’m getting it cut really short.  Chemo is the next step in this process and it’s going to take my hair.  From what the doctors have said, losing short hair is easier than losing long hair.  I really don’t believe that losing your hair at any length is going to be “easier”.  Yes it’s just hair and there are so many things that could be so much worse, but this is really hard for me. 

I’m dreading chemo more than I dreaded the surgery.  If only surgery was the “fix all” solution to breast cancer.  Not only am I going to have to have chemo I’m going to have to have hormone therapy for 5 years once chemo is done.  So this is what it’s looking like right now:  Starting in September I will have chemotherapy for 18 weeks; it will be once every 3 weeks for 6 treatments.  During those 18 weeks I will also be getting a drug called Herceptin.  That will be given every week during that first 18 week period.  Once this is complete, Herceptin will be given once every 3 weeks for the remaining year (so I will be on Herceptin for 12 months).  Both drugs are given by IV so I will have to have a port put in (yay, another surgery and another scar).  After a year has passed, I will be able to have the port removed.  Hormone therapy will also be starting after the first 18 weeks.  I’ll be on a drug called tamoxifen.  The reason for this is because my cancer was being fed from estrogen and progesterone.  They want to make my body stop producing these hormones for five years.  All this is not final, because we are going on Friday for a 2nd opinion, just to be sure that this is the right thing to do.

Have I said how much I hate cancer?!?!  It has turned my life upside down and taken so much from me already and it’s not over.  It’s never going to be over.  Yes chemo and Herceptin are temporary, but who’s to say that cancer won’t come back?  My hair will grow back and I’ll physically feel better again; but let’s be real…  that will always be in the back of my mind.  I’ll be going to have tests and scans and they will keep a close eye on things, but that’s not going to stop it from happening.  I hate cancer.  It has taken over my thoughts and my life for the next several months.  I hate thinking about being sick and not feeling like myself or feeling like Dan and I can just go and do whatever, whenever because I’ll be too tired to go.  And maybe I won’t be too tired, maybe I’ll breeze right thru but I can’t say that now because I’ve never done this.  Everyone is different and everyone responds different, but I hate not knowing how this is going to go.  I know, I’m complaining about things that haven’t even happened yet, but that’s how I feel about it.  Cancer sucks.  I hate how I feel about it; I hate what it does; I hate that it could take my life at some point. 

So, sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I warned everyone upfront about how I was feeling.  This is really tough for me.  I know I’ll get through it, but every day is not full of roses.  It’s life and that’s just how it is.

– Holly Thompson

7 Comments

  1. Holly, don’t apologize to anybody for feeling like you do. Cancer really sucks! It has struck members of my family on more than one occasion. I don’t know how you feel and can’t tell you what you should do – I don’t know – I haven’t walked in your shoes. Just know that there are people praying for peace and total healing for you. Love you!

  2. Holly, thanks for sharing your intermost thoughts with us, it helps us understand a little of what you are feeling and therefore it gives us a better idea how to pray for you. You are being lifted up in prayer, prayers for strength, prayers for encouragement,prayers for peace and prayers for those times when you just feel like complaining, you’ve have earned the right to complain. You are loved and prayed for.

  3. Holly – you have NOTHING to apologize for. Complain – get MAD at it – this thing sucks and no one will argue with you on that. But you know what? You’re going to beat it! It’s going to be a long road but you’ve got people that love you and support you, a pretty good husband if I do say so myself, and the love of the Almighty!

    Keep your chin up – you’re doing great & you are in our thoughts & prayers. -RS

  4. I do not think you are just “complaining” by pouring your heart out. King David frequently poured his heart our in such a way (as seen in Psalms) and even with great anger. And yet he knew that the God of the universe and the God of his people is a great big God and is more than able to hear such expression of heart break…He desires to hear the heart of His children. Praying….Larry

  5. Just complain away! Bottled-up feelings tend to fester and become ugly. Letting them out tends to be healing. Yes, I hate cancer, too. It seems to be hitting at a more accelerated pace. Please know that we are praying for you and our hearts ache for you. Take one step at a time and conquer it. This, too, shall pass. Love, Janet

  6. I’m glad you are complaining and speaking from your heart. I know it has to be part of the process to begin healing….to get all the bad out so there is a crack where God (and others on his behalf) can help put the good back in. I think we would all be feeling vulnerable and scared and to be honest, more than a little pissed. But, like you said…this is life and sometimes we get the thorns before we get the roses. I thank you so much for coming to Dad’s funeral even though you were dealing with more than enough on your own plate. The Rule family will always be special to the Pryor family. I’m rooting for you and praying that you will have the strength, patience, faith, and sense of humor to get through chemo as easily as possible…but know that when you just feel downright crummy, that’s okay too. And by the way, I think you’ll rock short hair…you’re pretty no matter what!

  7. I so love this picture of you and Dan. Your blonde wig looks great but I think Dan may be our next top model with his. It is good to see the smile on your face through all of the craziness. You are always in our prayers and we love you both.

    Carey

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