– Dan Thompson

Chemo will be starting on September 13 and my last treatment will be December 27 (if all goes according to plan).  This is the part of cancer that I dread most of all.  I’m scared.  I hate the unknown and that’s most of what chemo is.  I do know that I’ll lose my hair.  I will feel rundown to some degree; I just don’t know how badly.  I don’t know how emotional the hair loss and fatigue will be; though just thinking about the hair part is enough to make me cry.  I don’t know how my tastes will change with food or how my skin and nails will do and everything else that goes with this.  Everyone is different and has different experiences with chemo, but I’m just plain scared to death.  Could someone just wake me when this is over?

I did make it thru my first week back at work.  It’s a blessing to have co-workers that are friends, too.  They are so special and I really appreciate how much they have cared for me thru all of this.  The day of my surgery they all wore their “Fight Like a Girl” shirts and took a picture and short video and sent to me.  They are currently doing a fund raiser at work to raise money for the “Race for the Cure”.  Being at work is a little bit of normal for me before chemo starts and I’m going to enjoy each day there.

Today my family gave me a “hat party”.  That was an incredible thing!  I have so many cute hats and scarves now.  It was a bitter sweet experience.  I love what they did, but I hate why they had to do it.  I am thankful that I’ll have plenty to choose from over the next several months, though!  It’s really great to have so much love and support.  I don’t think that anyone can realize how important family and friends are until they are in a position to be so dependent on them.  I know I didn’t until recently.  

– Holly Thompson

– Dan Thompson

Not only did I get my hair cut off today, but I also got my drains out! Praise the Lord for that! I have really been praying for these things to come out. The drains were still a little over 30 cc’s (which is the magic number for removing them), but the doctor said that since they had been in for 3 weeks and my skin was getting irritated from them that he would go ahead and take them out. I do have to take it easy for the next couple of days to hopefully keep the drainage lower and not develop any pockets that would have to be drained by a needle. I’m so ok with “low activity for a couple of days” since they are gone!!!! The removing of the drain on the left side was extremely painful. I probably would have cried if I was alone. It felt like someone pulling the ripcord from a toy top, but the top was my boob (expander) and my insides! It was really bad, but I could only feel the left side and they are out; that is the important part.

Yesterday was a really tough day and I needed to vent about it. Not only was it my last day with long hair,  but we went and looked at wigs. It was like the combination was too much. As much as I was dreading the wig shops, it was better than I had hoped for because of Dan. He agreed to participate… He put on a big dreadlock wig that was longer than my hair and used my ponytail holder! That made things much more fun! I tried a blonde wig on for him and I think he really wants me to get that one!!! Hahaha! We took a couple of pictures to document! I’m thinking that when I go back to the wig shops with my girlfriends that it will be an easier day. I’m going to make them put on crazy colors with me and I’ll take pictures of that, too!

Dan has been an absolute rock for me and I’m so glad that I have him in my life. He is my blessing. I do have to tell a funny story on him, though. Last week we went to the plastic surgeon’s office and this was the first time that I had more fluid put into my expanders. I’m the biggest noodle on the planet (and Dan knows this), so I was not watching the doctor get everything together for this process; I was just watching Dan. Anyway, the doctor pulls back to stick the needle into the expanders and Dan’s eyes nearly popped out of his head! He even covered his mouth as if to say “HOLY COW”. Yeah, not what I needed to see! So I expressed how unpleased I was with this look and he then says to me “I’m sorry… I just totally did not expect that needle to be SO BIG!” Needless to say this led to me freaking out and sweating like I just ran the bleachers. The doctor and the nurse got a kick out of it; and I laughed about it once it was over! It was like a cartoon episode!

Tomorrow we go for our 2^nd opinion with the oncologist. I’m curious how this will go. Right now the oncologist that we met last week has suggested 6 rounds of chemo over 18 weeks. If the oncologist tomorrow says 4 rounds of chemo over 12 weeks, should we call the other doctor back? Because I know that I would sign up for as little as possible, but would want to know why one doc says this and the other says that… I’m ready to find out what comes from the appointment tomorrow.

– Holly Thompson

This morning in the shower I totally cried my eyes out.  This was the last time I washed my long hair.  Tomorrow I’m getting it cut really short.  Chemo is the next step in this process and it’s going to take my hair.  From what the doctors have said, losing short hair is easier than losing long hair.  I really don’t believe that losing your hair at any length is going to be “easier”.  Yes it’s just hair and there are so many things that could be so much worse, but this is really hard for me. 

I’m dreading chemo more than I dreaded the surgery.  If only surgery was the “fix all” solution to breast cancer.  Not only am I going to have to have chemo I’m going to have to have hormone therapy for 5 years once chemo is done.  So this is what it’s looking like right now:  Starting in September I will have chemotherapy for 18 weeks; it will be once every 3 weeks for 6 treatments.  During those 18 weeks I will also be getting a drug called Herceptin.  That will be given every week during that first 18 week period.  Once this is complete, Herceptin will be given once every 3 weeks for the remaining year (so I will be on Herceptin for 12 months).  Both drugs are given by IV so I will have to have a port put in (yay, another surgery and another scar).  After a year has passed, I will be able to have the port removed.  Hormone therapy will also be starting after the first 18 weeks.  I’ll be on a drug called tamoxifen.  The reason for this is because my cancer was being fed from estrogen and progesterone.  They want to make my body stop producing these hormones for five years.  All this is not final, because we are going on Friday for a 2^nd opinion, just to be sure that this is the right thing to do.

Have I said how much I hate cancer?!?!  It has turned my life upside down and taken so much from me already and it’s not over.  It’s never going to be over.  Yes chemo and Herceptin are temporary, but who’s to say that cancer won’t come back?  My hair will grow back and I’ll physically feel better again; but let’s be real…  that will always be in the back of my mind.  I’ll be going to have tests and scans and they will keep a close eye on things, but that’s not going to stop it from happening.  I hate cancer.  It has taken over my thoughts and my life for the next several months.  I hate thinking about being sick and not feeling like myself or feeling like Dan and I can just go and do whatever, whenever because I’ll be too tired to go.  And maybe I won’t be too tired, maybe I’ll breeze right thru but I can’t say that now because I’ve never done this.  Everyone is different and everyone responds different, but I hate not knowing how this is going to go.  I know, I’m complaining about things that haven’t even happened yet, but that’s how I feel about it.  Cancer sucks.  I hate how I feel about it; I hate what it does; I hate that it could take my life at some point. 

So, sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I warned everyone upfront about how I was feeling.  This is really tough for me.  I know I’ll get through it, but every day is not full of roses.  It’s life and that’s just how it is.

– Holly Thompson

The actual surgery lasted about 6 hours.  Both doctors were pleased with the results that they got.  I only had to spend one night in the hospital.  That night was pretty rough.  Every hour someone was coming in to check on something.  The anesthesia had made me not able to empty my bladder, so about 3am they put a catheter in.  Never in my life would I have thought that would be good, but at that point I was really glad they did.  Once that happened, I think we did get about 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Around 10 or 11am my doctor came in.  He got the catheter removed and things started to work again.  Around 1 pm we got to go home.  I slept most of Saturday.  Sunday was the worst day for pain.  I went a little too long without any pain medicine and it took until Monday morning for it to catch up. 

I had no idea that surgery would hurt as bad as it has.  Not that I have been in constant debilitating pain, but I have been constantly aware the surgery and of my limits.  The best way to describe the feeling is like a really tight bandage wrapped around my chest, but there is nothing around me.  My chest is really tight from the expanders that have been placed under my chest muscles.  They are forcing my muscles to stretch and my skin. 

Apparently every move that you make is somehow tied to your chest; like pumping the soap from the dispenser, getting up from a chair, opening a door and everything in between.  I have to have Dan help me with everything.  It is really hard to be so dependent on someone else for everything; I’m very glad that he is willing to help, but it’s difficult for me emotionally.  I’m not used to being so needy for everyday tasks. 

Thursday was the worst day for me emotionally.  I think it was just all getting to me; the constant pain and tightness in my chest, not being able to raise my arms up, having to have someone for everything, and on and on.  I started to cry about it all that morning, but even crying hurts.  I know it’s not always going to be this way or feel this way, but it can feel like it at times.  Later Thursday I went out for the first time for my doctor appointments.  I had 2 of the 4 drains removed; that was nice, but I was hoping for all of them to be gone.  (The drains have to be messed with every 4 hours and measured every 12 hours.)  The pathology report did confirm that my lymph nodes are negative, so that was a huge praise.  We also found out that they are 100% recommending chemotherapy for my treatment.  This was not at all what I wanted to hear.  We meet with the oncologist this coming Thursday for more details about the chemo.  I guess that will be when they tell us how much and how long I will have to do that.  Honestly, I’m more scared about that part than everything else.

Saturday night we went to the mall to walk.  It’s funny that we were mall walking, but it’s too hot for me to walk outside (it takes a lot of effort to take a shower these days).  I think we would have been lapped by the usual walkers, but thank goodness it was at night and the serious mall walkers are there in the morning!  LOL!  It was nice to get out and be sort of normal.  I’m not begging to get out of the house; I still have 2 drains in and that makes me self-conscious.  Last night was my first night back in our bed.  Dan made me a “ramp” to sleep on so I could be elevated.  Things are slowing getting back to normal.  I guess “normal” for us is going to be different than what we were used to.  Maybe we will get back to how it was before cancer once my chemo is over; I’m really hoping so anyway.

As crappy as cancer is, it has been over whelming to see that people really do care and want to help in any way they can.  It has given me ideas of how to show love to others when the time comes that people that I know are going thru a rough spot in life.  I’m still praying that God will receive glory from my life; whatever that looks like.  My battle is just beginning, but it’s comforting to know how many people are praying for us daily. 

– Holly Thompson

    As far as the cancer stuff goes, we don’t really know anything new just yet.  The preliminary reports on the sentinel nodes (they took two) came back negative… which is awesome.  There is still a chance they’ll find cancer in the detailed dissection, but it was at least encouraging to hear that both were negative.  We remain hopeful that the full pathology report will show negative.  Hopefully we’ll have the full reports from that and the breast tissue removed by the time we have our doctor appointment later this week.  Those will shed some light on what the next steps are.

    Since we’ve been home, Holly has been doing well.  She is still in a fair amount of pain, and our sleeping is disrupted every 4 hours so we can deal with her drains… needless to say we’re a little tired.  Her spirits seem to be up though, which is a good thing.

    Speaking of spirits… if someone you know ever has to fight cancer and you’re wondering what you could do nice for them; this is a GREAT example:

A bunch of people from Holly’s work all bought “Fight Like a Girl” shirts and wore them to work on the day or her surgery and sent us pictures and a short video.  Talk about uplifting!  Very cool stuff there guys.  We really appreciate, and are overwhelmed by, all the people who have signed up to bring us meals, sent cards / emails / Facebook comments / blog comments, sent flowers, stopped by, came to the hospital… the list goes on and on.  Incredible.  Thank you so much for your support and prayers… they are coveted and appreciated.

– Dan Thompson

Tuesday was my last day at work.  I love the group that I work with and have, but this has made me see just how special they all are to me.  Dan and I have received so many encouraging words and cards and emails, even from people we don’t know.  So to all of you guys out there that are praying for us and thinking of us, we appreciate it!  It’s great to know that so many people care; even people that don’t know us personally.  I guess these are some good things; but is cancer necessary for that?  Seems extreme to me.

Some women that have gone thru breast cancer have said that as soon as they found out they had cancer they were more than willing to have their breast removed; and didn’t think twice about.  I wish I could feel that way; but I haven’t and don’t.  Maybe it would make all of this easier.  Maybe I’m being selfish or immature for not wanting rid of my boobs.  But they are mine and I want to keep them.  Sure I want the cancer gone, but can’t that happen without taking everything?  And the treatment after the mastectomy is even worse to think about.  Rock bottom is where I feel like I’m heading.

Hopefully this will all not be as bad as is seems right now.  It is really difficult to think that for more than a year I will be on some sort of IV treatment.  I hate going to the doctor, needles, blood, IV’s and all that stuff.  I am a noodle and I don’t care to say it! 

Even though all this sucks and I hate every bit of it, I still have things to be thankful for and I’m trying not to lose sight of that.  I have a wonderful husband that loves me and has been so strong for me.  I have the best friends in the world that have called to check on me and have lifted my spirits by just being around.  I have a family that loves me and has been my support, too.  Our church family that has been more than willing to take care of us in any way needed.  It’s easy for me to shut all these out though and just focus on what is wrong. 

I don’t want cancer to change who I am; unless it is something good (which is possible).  I don’t want to lose my since of humor and ability to laugh.  I don’t want it to take the joy out of my life and make me bitter or angry or resentful.  I don’t want it to not let me laugh or make jokes.  I guess it will be up to me to make sure that I don’t allow that to happen. Like Dan has said, I need to not let cancer be in control.  Today it feels like it is in control. 

– Holly Thompson

My options were 1) lumpectomy followed by 7 weeks of radiation for 5 days a week; 2) mastectomy to the right breast only with the possibility of radiation and/or chemo to follow; or 3) double mastectomy with the possibility of radiation and/or chemo to follow.  The doctor said that with opt 2 and 3 the possibility of radiation would be less, but nothing can be ruled out until after the tumors are removed.  My initial thought was opt 1; why would I want them to take more of my breast than necessary?  But that opt came with 7 full weeks of radiation for 5 days each week.  I’ve not heard anything good about radiation, but I’ve not really heard anything good about cancer in general.  Then I started to think maybe opt 2 would be better.  At least I would get to keep one of my breasts and feel partially whole.  But the doctor starts talking about reoccurrence in the left side and that it was a real possibility that I needed to consider.  I had the gene testing done and was negative for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 which are the breast cancer genes.  This test was really done to help me with my decision on mastectomy or double mastectomy.  It also would serve the purpose of maybe helping my sisters know what to be tested  if I was positive.  Since it was negative it didn’t help my sisters and it didn’t seem to help me either.  Dan and I talked about just a mastectomy, but even if that was done, I would still have to have an implant placed in the left side to make it match as much as it could.  The more we talked about it the more I felt that doing both at the same time was the right thing for me to do.  I couldn’t stand the thought of going to every mammogram screening and just holding my breath until the left side was cleared, I couldn’t stand the thought of being told I have breast cancer again and going thru all of this again and thinking that it could be worse the next time around.  I know that even with a double mastectomy I have a risk of the cancer coming back, but the % is much lower.  The peace of mind of removing all breast tissue now was more than I could pass up.  If I have the left breast done now when it is cancer-free they will do a “nipple sparing” surgery.  This will at least preserve the look of that side instead of waiting for cancer to take more than what it should.  Everyone comes to their decision for different reasons, but mine was more for the peace of mind.  It hasn’t been an easy decision and I wouldn’t wish anyone to have to make it.

 – Holly Thompson

Double Mastectomy: A Husband’s Perspective

I’m a boob man… there, I said it.  The thought of my wife having her breasts removed was, selfishly, not really high on my list.  When the doctor put that on the table as a treatment option I immediately removed it from the table mentally… especially since he seemed to suggest that a lumpectomy (or partial mastectomy as they refer to it) was still very much a viable solution.  Why go so extreme, if it’s not absolutely necessary?  That was my initial thought anyway.

After listening further to what the doctor had to say, and listening to Holly rationalize all the data… the reasoning behind my internal decision started to seem a bit silly; and yeah, selfish.  Several years ago we had a cancer scare.  The doctors told Holly they were all but certain she had cancer; turns out she didn’t.  Since that time though, when it starts getting close to her oh-so-loved yearly appointment you can feel the tension mounting; and we were nervous until the “all clear” reports came back.  As Holly alluded to, this just wasn’t a good time of year for us, and that really plays into this decision.  What if you could preemptively rid yourself of that worry (or at least take great strides towards that)?  That’s a big deal to us.  The stats show that if you remove the one breast prior to cancer being found, the odds of that side ever developing cancer are way down in the single digits.  Tack on to this the number of women we heard from who had lumpectomies and then said they regretted not just going ahead and having a mastectomy… it really starts to be a lot clearer of a decision.

The second part of helping with this was meeting with the plastic surgeons about the reconstruction.  I’ll just say I was shocked at the results these doctors can get.  Many of the reconstructions simply looked like the women had had a boob job… you really couldn’t tell had you not known what you were looking at, and if it weren’t for the extra scars.  Is it exactly the way they were? No… but it certainly wasn’t the mental image I was walking in with.  The plastic surgeons also mentioned that the reality was it was easier to get symmetry… and maintain it as she ages, if they did both sides the same; and as Holly mentioned they were going to have to put an implant in that side anyway to make them match… why not safeguard ourselves and give them the best chance at the best cosmetic appearance at the same time?

This feels to me like a no-brainer, but it is ultimately Holly’s decision… it is her body after all; and her life… but we definitely feel this is the right decision, for her and us.  I’m comfortable with that.

– Dan Thompson

I have to confess that I’m so upset about all of this. I really just want to crawl into a hole and wait for this to end. It feels like life is out of control and nothing good is coming. I want someone to wake me up when this is over. I’ve always heard “fight or flight”; I guess I’m definitely “flight”. I really want to get over feeling so beat up and so sorry for myself. I shouldn’t complain, I know there are so many people with things so much bigger and harder to deal with. I should be glad that it hasn’t spread, that I don’t have the breast cancer gene, that I should survive this… but I’m hung up on all the things that are coming. I really need to learn how to get over myself and deal with this, but I really don’t know how. I’m hoping that something will click and the switch will flip and I’ll be ready to fight.

– Holly Thompson