Well, this is it. Tomorrow is surgery day. I can’t begin to express how scared and full of dread that I am right now. I guess the unknown is always the worst. It feels like my life is ending and this new life that I don’t want and wasn’t looking for is taking over. I’m still hoping to see the good in this, because right now I don’t see any good.
Tuesday was my last day at work. I love the group that I work with and have, but this has made me see just how special they all are to me. Dan and I have received so many encouraging words and cards and emails, even from people we don’t know. So to all of you guys out there that are praying for us and thinking of us, we appreciate it! It’s great to know that so many people care; even people that don’t know us personally. I guess these are some good things; but is cancer necessary for that? Seems extreme to me.
Some women that have gone thru breast cancer have said that as soon as they found out they had cancer they were more than willing to have their breast removed; and didn’t think twice about. I wish I could feel that way; but I haven’t and don’t. Maybe it would make all of this easier. Maybe I’m being selfish or immature for not wanting rid of my boobs. But they are mine and I want to keep them. Sure I want the cancer gone, but can’t that happen without taking everything? And the treatment after the mastectomy is even worse to think about. Rock bottom is where I feel like I’m heading.
Hopefully this will all not be as bad as is seems right now. It is really difficult to think that for more than a year I will be on some sort of IV treatment. I hate going to the doctor, needles, blood, IV’s and all that stuff. I am a noodle and I don’t care to say it!
Even though all this sucks and I hate every bit of it, I still have things to be thankful for and I’m trying not to lose sight of that. I have a wonderful husband that loves me and has been so strong for me. I have the best friends in the world that have called to check on me and have lifted my spirits by just being around. I have a family that loves me and has been my support, too. Our church family that has been more than willing to take care of us in any way needed. It’s easy for me to shut all these out though and just focus on what is wrong.
I don’t want cancer to change who I am; unless it is something good (which is possible). I don’t want to lose my since of humor and ability to laugh. I don’t want it to take the joy out of my life and make me bitter or angry or resentful. I don’t want it to not let me laugh or make jokes. I guess it will be up to me to make sure that I don’t allow that to happen. Like Dan has said, I need to not let cancer be in control. Today it feels like it is in control.
– Holly Thompson